ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
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i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.