Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u