I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Traveler’s camo
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!