“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
A classic…
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of