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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Going into Monday like
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
#inspiration #foodforthought
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.