Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
A short story of betrayal: