My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
You Might Also Like
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home