I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
You Might Also Like
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
The human personality is made of five key elements
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!