8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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*launders Kohls cash*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
girls literally only want one thing..
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I can’t stop watching this.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Confused owl: What?!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.