Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
These are too funny not to post 😂
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
ok this is my dumbest yet
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”