me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
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My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!