If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
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When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling