me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
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*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile