I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Look at this
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong