[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
When you’re Kinky but poor
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.