Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.