ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
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There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I am a gravy boat captain
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden