massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
😩😩😩
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.