Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
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*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.