modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
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Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Mornin
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.