Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
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*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
There are usually two types of merchants.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast