Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I feel it
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time