If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
This is I, Robot all over again
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.