My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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