My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
nyc:
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude