going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Me, reading some of your tweets
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary