going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
These aliens are taking forever.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off