I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
philosophical skeletons be like
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Thinking about Jeff
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.