Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My daily affirmation
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired