I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic