I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Never mess with a drunken pig.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.