Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …