I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Human are so complicated
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single