I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
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Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
real
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
#polloftheday