“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
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You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Monday?
No. Next question.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.