According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*