temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
(Electricians.)
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
nature’s most graceful animal
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes