Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?