Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
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We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Wise advice
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.