The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I beg your pardon?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.