[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry