[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Jupiter
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
what’s the point then??
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard