My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
How funny!
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
2 years later
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
You got this…