I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is