hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My patience has stretch marks.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
sigh
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water