My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.