Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
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All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one