“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
You Might Also Like
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
This is my cat’s medicine.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?