ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way![]()
You Might Also Like
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?