ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Customer is always right
My last name is Zilla.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.