Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*mops up wine with cat*
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Thursday
Had to try this trend 😊
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Breaking news:
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers