With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Order here:
More here:
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.