HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf