HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.