HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
![]()
You Might Also Like
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
![]()
![]()
![]()
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.![]()
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste