It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
We found love in a hopeless place.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over