My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.